How I got the monkeys off my back
When I was younger I entertained a distorted view of personal rewards. I had a transactional view of work ethic. I thought that if I worked hard, I had license to play hard.
Playing hard was a euphemism for partying hard. Partying was code for indulgence. Indulgence meant over eating, drinking, drugging, spending and other such behavior. I thought I could make any success and achievement look effortless by carousing my way through life. It was my misguided attempt at sprezzatura.
Working hard meant my job, exercise, studying and such work ethic stuff. But Puritan work ethic wasn’t rock n roll or punk rock.
I treated life effort like a bank account. I would deposit virtuous behavior and that provided me with permission to withdraw rowdy antics. It was all quid pro quo.
It took me a long time to realize this account-balance rationalization was all in my head. No one else was keeping…
